Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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