sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I understand Curling. That high.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
