WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I need to calm my uterus...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
