Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
