he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
