so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
