Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
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Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
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She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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