It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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