Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
