Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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