i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
