Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
