the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dating After Heartbreak
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.