Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?