Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.