you traded sex for a burrito?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon