im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
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She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
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Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.