I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.