dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"