Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
