saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
