i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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