If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
