hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
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he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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