i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
