A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
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