Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
