Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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