Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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