i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
