i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
