Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
