A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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