i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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