You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
