I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
