Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
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and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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