here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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