wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We need a shit load of segways right now
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
