dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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