i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
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My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
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Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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