i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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