is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
