I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
