Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
