I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
