Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
