I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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