Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
two words...techno handjob
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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