Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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