I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Hippo gnu deer
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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