Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
