I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
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Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
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It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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