I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
