My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
