kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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