I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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