and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
