so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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